I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
