Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
I'm graduating. Then you'll never see me again.
We better fuck soon then
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
Ok how about tonight me and you get laid together. Same girl. Then she signs our dicks.
As weird as it sounds I would totally be down
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
Randomize
