did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
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