I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
I'm so ready for finals. She finally agreed to skypesex me from spain so now i'm up until 4am studying every morning waiting for her to get online
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
Randomize
