I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
Theres a disney princess moonbounce on karen st. and I'm drinking beer at a little league field. this might end with me in jail.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
Pencil dick carries the name proudly.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
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