I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Randomize
