hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
Randomize
