I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
Either way, he made a blog for his cat.
I feel eeeverything like there's a rhythm and everything can be felt w/o ever touching it. And it's beautiful. Sunshine or raindrops it's like orgasming. Everything has a taste.
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
Randomize
