your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
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