i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
I miss the good ol' days when we would yell at strangers from your balcony while wearing our mexican ponchos in the middle of the day.
what ever happened to our old dealer?
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
Randomize
