So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
I was just too high to be in rapids man. I just screamed for the entire time I was jostling about.
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
I forget how to act sober
Randomize
