i just google imaged poop.
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
Randomize
