You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
I was giving him head and when I deep throated him he screamed out "Ohh, top ten!"
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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