Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
Randomize
