Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
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