i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
Randomize
