I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
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