ad ew i am wasted whats my problem
my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
why do cheetos always look like penises
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
Robbie told me you spent 10 mins discussing the curl in his hair and that you said "with that curl in your hair, you'll go far"
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
I'm a college student and my dad gets more ass than I do..... do you see a problem here?
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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