that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
Randomize
