There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
Everytime the frat boy touches his bro's ass after making a cup take a drink
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
Randomize
