I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
We should have a mid-burrito sex-break, too. Just so we don't get too full all at once
Good point.
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
