I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
he said he wants to do me james and the giant peach style. im afraid of what that means. but moderately excited. wish me luck.
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
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I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
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