i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
He kissed a someone with a penis
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
After tacos, we're chasing women.
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
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