Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
I'm naked and wearing a cowbell.i love med school.
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
So the remote for the camera in the photo booth must have gotten dropped on the floor. while you were in there. having a threesome. on the floor of the room where my parents stay when they visit me. so thanks.
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
Randomize