just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
hell no. i was not wasting my two tears of virginity on him.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
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