If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
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