I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
Porn is love you can see.
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
She made me role-play everything from an older prof to a in-patient in need of a medical exam. Yay for cocaine.
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
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