Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
Randomize
