All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
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