You are a beautiful, beautiful young lady. Your heart is made of tissue, blood and love. I will call you very soon, Princess Sophia.
at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
Randomize