I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
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