whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
Well I walked the wrong way for a little bit and I don't remember if I fell asleep or not but I definitely laid down under the over pass for a while
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
Randomize
