i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
Brogan sounds similar to Bridget...sorta.
Every girl's name is automatically translated to "Baby/Milk Carrier" in my brai
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
Randomize
