what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
Randomize
