seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
and she was petting her beer can
so I smoked with the leasing agent of the apartment complex. Of corse I am going to take this one
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
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