i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
Ive been high since the plane left the ground in Los Angeles and Ive been in Chicago. Right now, Im on a train headed towards downtown to go to an anime convention. At this point, I am just taking life as it comes, furries and all.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
You brought string cheese to the strip club
I'm glad your nude photos turned out "classy" but you cannot hang them in the living room.
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
Randomize
