oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
Randomize
