i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
Randomize
