I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
On a list of weird places to get a bj, how weird is in the basement of a pharmacy
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
Only you would think wine and coffee was an acceptable finals study time mix
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
I think we might need a safe word for this...
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
Randomize
