Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
worst night to have a conscience
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
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