Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
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