I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
there is glitter all over my balls
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
Randomize
