ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
Randomize
