So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
the line at the liquor store is out the door, and students in line are high-fiving like crazy...i love college snow days
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
Randomize
