I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
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