i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
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