she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
If your still trying to figure out the moment I stopped caring; it was the point in which you said "I really wasn't sure whose baby it was"
she said it was okay because they were "professional" nude pictures of her on the internet
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
