Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
I just figured it out. Meghan has the same smile as Sylvester Stallone.
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
Ever since the Christmas fiasco of '08, I can no longer watch Rudolf the Red nosed reindeer without getting a hard on
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
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