you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Randomize
