What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
I got a lot accomplished today, and the day is still young! I built a fort, hot boxed a fort, had a tea party in a fort, and now realizing how high I am.
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
Randomize
