In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
I'm in the room..It's full of lost souls and sadness. I can taste the salt of their tears. This final might take a few freshman today..
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
