FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
I just punched cris angel in the balls. I have photos.
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
Randomize
