so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
with hottub sex, handcuffs, Pocahontas themed lap dances, and eating pumpkin pie off each other, I'm gonna say thanksgiving will be a success ;)
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
Randomize