Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
I feel like there's def a learning curve to the sex swing
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
I either have a problem or a really good solution... I just ordered my homecoming dress off of a website that sells forplay outfits.
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