Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
It's acceptable to bring him back to my parents house and fuck on the couch right??
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
Randomize
