walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
I don't even think NICOLE made a fool of herself last night...
your aware she lit herself on fire, right?
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Randomize