life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
Someone signed my nipple.
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
Randomize
