no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
