I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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