i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
dude you have to find out what a girl's name is before you sleep with her. if her name is debbie she's boring, if her name is lauren she's an overrated hoebag, if her name is meagan she gived bad head.
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
She's still too new to the group to be comfortable with us just sitting down as a group and watching porn on the tv.
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
Holy sore nipples Batman
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
Randomize
