my phone cant type all the emotion im having
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
I woke up under a house in Key West
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
Randomize
